Читать онлайн «Mere Anarchy»

Автор Вуди Аллен

Contents

COVER

ABOUT THE BOOK

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

ALSO BY WOODY ALLEN

TITLE PAGE

TO ERR IS HUMAN—TO FLOAT, DIVINE

TANDOORI RANSOM

SAM, YOU MADE THE PANTS TOO FRAGRANT

THIS NIB FOR HIRE

CALISTHENICS, POISON IVY, FINAL CUT

NANNY DEAREST

HOW DEADLY YOUR TASTE BUDS, MY SWEET

GLORY HALLELUJAH, SOLD!

CAUTION, FALLING MOGULS

THE REJECTION

SING, YOU SACHER TORTES

ON A BAD DAY YOU CAN SEE FOREVER

ATTENTION GENIUSES: CASH ONLY

STRUNG OUT

ABOVE THE LAW, BELOW THE BOX SPRINGS

THUS ATE ZARATHUSTRA

SURPRISE ROCKS DISNEY TRIAL

PINCHUCK’S LAW

ABOUT THE BOOK

‘I am greatly relieved that the universe is finally explainable. I was beginning to think it was me. ’ Thus begins ‘Strung Out’, Woody Allen’s hilarious application of the laws of the universe to daily life. Mere Anarchy, Woody Allen’s first collection in over 25 years, features eighteen witty, wild and intelligent comic pieces – eight of which have never been in print before.

Surreal, absurd, rich in verbal play, bitingly satirical and just plain daft in the mode we have grown to love from his finest films, this flight-of-fancy collection includes tales of a body double who, mistaken for the film’s star, is kidnapped by outlaws; a pretentious novelist forced to work on the novelisation of a Three Stooges film; a nanny secretly writing an expose of her Manhattan employers; crooks selling bespoke prayers on eBay; and how to react when you’re asked to finance a Broadway play about the invention and manufacture of the adjustable showerhead.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

WOODY ALLEN’S prolific career as a comedian, writer, and filmmaker has now spanned more than five decades. He writes frequently for The New Yorker and is the author of Without Feathers, Getting Even, and Side Effects, among other books.

Also by Woody Allen

The Insanity Defense

Three One-Act Plays

Complete Prose of Woody Allen

Three Films of Woody Allen

Hannah and Her Sisters

Four Films of Woody Allen

Floating Light Bulb

Side Effects

Without Feathers

Getting Even

Play It Again, Sam

Don’t Drink the Water

TO ERR IS HUMAN—TO FLOAT, DIVINE

GASPING FOR AIR, my life passing before my eyes in a series of wistful vignettes, I found myself suffocating some months ago under the tsunami of junk mail that cascades through the slot in my door each morning after kippers. It was only our Wagnerian cleaning woman, Grendel, hearing a muffled falsetto from beneath myriad art-show invitations, charity squeezes, and pyrite contest jackpots I’d hit that extricated me with the help of our Bugsucker. As I was carefully filing the new postal arrivals alphabetically in the paper shredder, I noticed, amongst the profusion of catalogues that hawked everything from bird feeders to monthly deliveries of sundry drupe and hesperidium, there was an unsolicited little journal, banner-lined Magical Blend. Clearly aimed at the New Age market, its articles ranged in topic from crystal power to holistic healing and psychic vibrations, with tips on achieving spiritual energy, love versus stress, and exactly where to go and what forms to fill out to be reincarnated.

The ads, which seemed scrupulously articulated to insulate against the unreasonableness of Bunco Squad malcontents, presented Therapeutic Ironisers, Vortex Water Energizers, and a product called Herbal Grobust designed to implement volumewise madam’s Cavaillons. There was no shortage of psychic advice either, from sources such as the “spiritual intuitive” who double-checks her insights with “a consortium of angels named Consortium Seven,” or a babe ecdysiastically christened Saleena, who offers to “balance your energy, awaken your DNA and attract abundance. ” Naturally, at the end of all these field trips to the center of the soul, a small emolument to cover stamps and any other expenses the guru may have incurred in another life is in order. The most startling persona of all, however, has to be the “founder and divine leader of the Hathor Ascension Movement on Planet Earth. ” Known to her followers as Gabrielle Hathor, a self-proclaimed goddess who is, according to her copywriter, “the fullness of source manifested in human form,” this West Coast icon tells us, “There is a quickening of Karmic feedback. … Earth has entered a spiritual winter which will last 426,000 Earth years. ” Mindful of how rough a long winter can be, Ms. Hathor has started a movement to teach beings to ascend to “higher frequency dimensions,” presumably where they can get out more and play a little golf.